| Poorly structured prose? It must be winter! |
[28 Jan 2009|02:23pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 wintery? |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Journey - Don't Stop Believin' |
] |
I thought I saw you last night. At the grocery store. No, it was in the parking lot. No, wait. Maybe outside my apartment building? I guess it doesn't really matter, does it? I always did get hung up on that sort of thing, remember? Anyway. I thought I saw you last night. Or maybe it was the night before.
Right, it doesn't matter. I thought I saw you, that's my point. I thought I saw you and it made me think.
Do you ever wonder what you saw in me? What you were doing with me? I wonder about you. No, I'm sorry. That's unfair, and kind of mean. I wonder where we went so wrong, though. I do wonder that. I wonder where we went so wrong, so wrong that it became so easy to even believe that there was nothing I ever saw in you. I do forget what it was, but it wouldn't be right to say that a memory loss means it never existed. Because it did. It did exist, didn't it? I mean, I remember some good times.
Or, at the very least, I remember a time when I was able to remember good times.
It's all kind of blurry now, the memories. Like an old film or like the way your vision goes when you look at something underwater. I do have the vague sense that we were happy once, though. Do you remember that? And do you remember what we were so happy about, or where all that went? I remember the apartment, I guess. Our apartment. Well. Your apartment. That distinction seemed to matter whenever we were fighting. And I guess we fought a lot, didn't we?
I'm sorry, I'm getting off track. I wasn't talking about us fighting, I was talking about us being happy. I meant to say that I remember our apartment. I remember our apartment and I remember a time when it was full of laughter. I guess it might still be full of laughter, it's just not our laughter anymore. Again, I'm straying. I digress.
I remember shared classes on those days we bothered to go to class. I remember studying together on those days we bothered to study. I remember breakfasts in bed, and I remember meals taken way too late because neither of us wanted to cook.
That being said, I do also remember us going as wrong as we did. I remember you being distant and cold. I remember myself being cruel and manipulative. I remember lying. I'm not sure if you knew I was lying to you, but I guess it doesn't matter now. I remember, though, and I am sorry.
I guess I remember a lot more than I thought I did. Do you still remember me? I wonder that sometimes, you know. I wonder a lot of things, I guess. But, well. I just wanted to say that, because I've been feeling kind of nostalgic lately and I've been thinking about you. It's not that I don't know it's all over or that I want to revisit any of it. It's gone. Done. Over with. I know you don't want to begin any of it again, and I don't either. I just remember you, and I wanted to know if you remember me too.
I'm not asking because I need you to, or anything. I just want to know. It's not like I miss you or anything, it's just...
I thought I saw you.
|
3 ran to Paradise //x\\ Chase the scent of the flower
|
| Toronto. |
[10 Jan 2009|03:14am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 apprehensive |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Cake - Pretty Pink Ribbon |
] |
January tenth. I still haven't planned a goddamned thing, mostly because I'm too fucking afraid of the whole idea to actually stop and think about it. That's getting tougher and tougher to play off without admitting I'm scared.
I still haven't told Justin that I'm moving to Toronto. I feel like I'm letting him down. I know he's come to rely on me. I need to tell him soon, but again I'm scared. Scared to upset him; to stress him out. And I'm scared of the whole concept of it anyway, so I tend to ignore it because then it's like I can pretend it's not real, not yet anyway. But fuck, I really am scared. I'm picking up my whole life and moving it across the entire goddamned country for this girl. What if I'm wrong? What if we fall apart and I hate it there? What if my job there sucks? I've got it pretty good here! What if my plan for schooling is a wash and I go even more nowhere with my life than I've already BEEN going?
I mean, yeah. I don't want my life to continue existing in Edmonton. I'm sick of being here, and I'm ready to be out. But 'not Edmonton' isn't necessarily equal to 'Toronto,' and just because I think something is a good idea, doesn't mean it really is. I've followed through with some pretty retarded plans over the course of my life because I thought they seemed like good ideas.
Too much pride to come back if this fails. I'd be stuck there, wallowing in my own mistakes.
I think it's gonna work. I do. But if it doesn't, man. Risks, yeah? I know, I know. Gotta take risks whenever they present themselves. Jump with my eyes closed and pray for water, neh? Live by my own creeds, until the end of days. Still, scared.
What if I'm making the wrong choices?
|
1 ran to Paradise //x\\ Chase the scent of the flower
|
| Another year, it would seem. |
[31 Dec 2008|03:18am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 reflective |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Thursday - Jet Black New Year |
] |
I started to type a story idea into here and then I lost interest in it and deleted it. *shrug* The date, however, is currently December the 31st.
This means that it is time for me to grow reflective and act as if I was actively beaten with the emo-stick for at least most of my night. So let's get started. At the beginning, because I am told that is where things generally are started.
New Year's last year. Seems a world away already, but life is what it is, I suppose. I actually only remember it in bits, I think. I'm trying desperately to place the timing of things. I was still with Corrin. I was still in therapy. Was I still on the anti-depressants? I'm not terribly sure about that. I'm actually not even always sure going OFF those things was a good idea.
Then again they made me alternatingly either roboticly numb to emotions or suicidal, so that's probably an unfounded fear and they probably WERE something it was right to leave behind. The therapy, I'm not as sure about. That, that was actually helpful. And I liked my therapist. I sorta miss the guy. But, I dunno. I started to feel like we weren't making progress anymore and I lost interest.
When I agreed to the therapy the dude running the program told me to think hard about it because I seemed to him like someone who wouldn't ever be committed enough to the process to see it through to the end. Kinda sucks proving him right there, but whatever.
Anyway!
The beginning of the year saw some interesting developments. I left Corrin, which, while a good idea for all involved parties, was an idea I executed in admittedly not the best fashion.
Hey, I am not always the best of people, okay? I tried to do right by myself and by her, but yeah, okay, I made some pretty big fucking mistakes. That's how it goes.
The rest of the year was a whirlwind of... things.
I spent the first half of it with Des. There were some frustrating elements towards the end, but Some of that was really good. A lot of it, actually. And she really helped me to deal with a messy break-up by ensuring me that my ex-girlfriend was crazy and petty. Then, things stopped being good, we broke up, and she started acting almost as crazy and definitely more petty. Shrug.
Then I dated this girl I met online for a while. She was great, and treated me like gold, which apparently makes me grow complacent. She got kinda mad at me when I broke up with her for telling her she was too nice and that was part of the problem, because really, she had a point and that's a retarded complaint, but that doesn't change that it really was part of the problem. I need some conflict SOMETIMES or it's just not interesting. And I need, absolutely, to be challenged. Des gave me that at least. Gia didn't. She was perfectly okay with whomever or whatever I was, which really isn't going to push me to evolve, y'know? So anyway, then I realized that we had less in common than I had orignally thought and that while there was actually nothing WRONG with our relationship, I was not terribly interested in being in it, so I stopped. At around the same time or maybe 5 minutes later, I started dating Michelle, whom I have known since high school and had some kind of bizarre chemistry with since that I've basically spent that entire time learning to ignore because I thought it would never develop into anything.
But then it did, and now I'm living with Michelle, gearing up to move to Toronto with her in less than half a year, and I'm terrified that I'll fuck it all up, simply lose interest in her, or some combination of both of those things. But for the moment I guess I'm pretty happy.
I certainly wasn't at this time last year. So let's put a win in that column.
Now, I know I define myself largely by my love life, but even I don't believe that's all I am. So what else happened, and what else am I?
I moved out. First with Des, then I continued to live there with Luke, and then briefly by myself before moving in with Michelle. After all that, I can't believe I stayed at home as long as I did. I adore my parents, but I could never live with them again. It makes a huge difference. It's also led to a lot of personal growth, because it's hard to really evolve when you don't ever really change your station in life. That being said, some things are certainly more or less the same.
My self-confidence and ability to stand up for myself, while improved upon ever so slightly, are still basically stunted to the level of a depressed 14-year old outcast.
At the same time, my overwhelming and incredibly contradictory superiority complex, which is a lot less ironic and a lot more real than I lead people to believe, is going nearly as strong as ever.
I stayed at the same job for the first full calendar year without growing to hate it since I was at Sobey's. Yeah, I get that it's just some retail job and it's not a career. But it means a lot to me to have a job that after more than a year, I can still say I'm happy with. I spent all of 2008 with every up and down it came with there. I hired four different people, all of which were awesome and 3 of whom are still currently employed there, and I still like going there. That's a bigger thing to me than I really admit to, generally, because I don't think most people get it, but it means a lot, and it shows that I'm growing up and becoming a little less flighty, or something.
I wrote a novel this year that I think is probably my best work in 4 years. Maybe my best ever. Yeah, it's a fucking mess. Probably the sloppiest of any of my novels so far. But the framework there, man, it could be SO much. This is one that's not going away now that the year is over, and that, that is worth a lot. I've spent so many years since Birthday Rain writing novels that aren't ever going to be a goddamned thing, to finally write a novel that maybe, one day, could be something REAL, that's a lot. I also spent more time during nanowrimo being social than I ever have before, made new friends, and realized that one of the biggest things I'm going to miss about Edmonton is an amazing community I could have been a part of years ago and really only just started being present in.
I made some decisions for my future. I'm going back to school in like, a year. Did I tell anyone that? That's the plan. A business degree. Upper management. My own little store one day, where people will know my name and I'll know theirs. They'll come for my wares, which will hopefully be videogames but I'll work the angles I think I can succeed at, but while they'll come for those, they'll stay for the atmosphere. Those of my friends who grew up in St. Albert will remember Microplay, which is basically the atmosphere I want. That place was about the friendliest store in the world, and it was the kind of place where, when you walked in, you really felt like you belonged, and I want to make that exist somewhere and know that I did that.
I spent a little more time this year listening to myself than I used to. I still need to learn how to do it a lot more than I do now, but I've started to genuinely care about what I want. I'm becoming more selfish, and I think that's one of the most positive things I've done this year.
Things with Michelle, short of my usual terror that I'm going to fuck it all up, and my inability to be totally open with her even now because of that, are fucking amazing. She's very challenging, but she's not mean. And I finally understand HOW those can be separate things, and how they ARE separate things, finally. She treats me like gold but without placing me on some sort of weird pedestal, and she loves me. Really and truly, in a way that makes sense to me and not in the way that other people have loved me. It is, after all, a confusing emotion at the best of time, and one that's very differently interpreted by different people. Her interpretation is one that actually meshes with mine, finally.
And I'm trying really hard and I think I'm doing a decent job at it to not let myself think she's perfect so that it won't destroy me when bad things do happen and so that we can work through them instead of me letting them eat away at everything until it's way too late. See, I'm trying to learn from my mistakes!
This is getting kinda long, so I'll wrap shit up here -- at least for now, there's more coming -- by saying that yeah, I feel like I've grown up. I also feel like I started doing that pretty damned late, and I've still got a lot more growing to do than a 22-year old really ought to. But better late than never, neh?
As we kiss hard on the lips and swear that this year, this year...
|
2 ran to Paradise //x\\ Chase the scent of the flower
|
| Fuck this shit. |
[24 Dec 2008|01:08am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 furious |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Captain Tractor - One Good Drop Of Poison |
] |
I am so fucking done doing favours for people. So when Des left, she left behind some furniture. I assumed her lease. Everyone on the planet told me not to assume her lease. But I felt like I owed her. She didn't ask for rent for like the first three months that I stayed there. I felt like it was the right thing to do. She wanted out, and me assuming the lease got her out.
Fuck that.
So she left some furniture behind, and she wanted it back eventually I guess. So I called her at the goddamned beginning of Novemeber to tell her I was on my way out, come get your things. So she says she will, and proceeds to cancel on me like 8 different times after saying she'd show up. Everyone told me to throw it out, it wasn't my problem. But again. Doing the right thing, right?
Fuck that.
And now I tell her, you know, I'm out. Not my place anymore, not my shit. Not my fucking problem, right? You didn't come get your things, you obviously didn't want them that badly. I tried, god damnit. I fucking tried, and you couldn't be bothered. So they're not my things anymore. Too bad, I guess you lose out on a couch that your cats destroyed to the point it's not worth owning anymore anyway.
Oh, but no.
She wants $500 dollars if she doesn't get her things back. I owe her, she paid my rent. Fucking voluntarily, mind you. I'm getting her damage deposit. Which, mind you, pays off the $700 designer glasses I fucking paid for. But I owe her, and $500 is a reasonable amount to ask for.
Fuck. That.
I'm done. No more favours. For any of you. Ever again. I'm looking out for myself from now on. If something sounds like a terrible idea but I feel like it's the "right" thing to do, fuck that. There's nothing to be gained by doing the right goddamned thing in this world. Everyone's a fucking bastard-coated bastard with bastard filling, and I'm sick of treating anybody else like they're entitled to a god damned thing from me because all they do is turn around and take advantage of me and then be petty fucktards if I raise the slightest complaint at it. I also don't want to be dealing with this on christmas fucking eve when I'm supposed to be enjoying the company of my god damned family.
Fuck that.
|
4 ran to Paradise //x\\ Chase the scent of the flower
|
| Virus'd! |
[02 Dec 2008|06:56pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 frustrated |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Freezepop - Tennis Boyfriend (Komodo Remix) |
] |
So I turned on my computer last night and opened the internet to a swarm of pop-ups exploding across my screen in the cartoonish manner I thought only actually happened in the movies when people were looking at porn and then their mom came in and they tried to close the porn and instead it opened 80 new porn windows.
Not that the pop-ups I got were porn, mind you. They were actually for fake anti-virus software, which is kind of funny.
Anyway, since it was just pop-ups at first, I figured ad-aware was my best bet. My computer then closed every program that wasn't ad-aware, followed by shutting itself down. So I backed everything up and decided to see what I was dealing with. Figured I'd run system restore and hopefully buy myself some time before the next forced restart. So I opened system restore.
To find that I had NO system restore checkpoints because it apparently deleted them all.
So whatever, I was due for a reformat anyway. Things are running smoothly now that I've done it, but man is reformatting a bitch. The whole process, including reinstalling everything and getting my settings back the way I want them, took 6 hours.
Just glad it happened after NaNo, really. Would have sucked way harder to lose 5 hours DURING the writing process.
|
Chase the scent of the flower
|
| It begins. |
[01 Nov 2008|12:26am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 accomplished |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Frou Frou - Let Go |
] |
I actually sort of like this opening.
“Table for two?”
The girl smiles as she says it. It’s a familiar question, and it comes with a familiar smile. A familiar setting.
“Might as well be for three, the amount of time you’re like to spend chatting with us,” comes the gently mocking response from the weary but contented-looking woman on the other side of the counter. She brushes her long blonde hair aside with her free hand and smiles genuinely at this waitress she’s known for so many years.
“I take offense to that! I have work to do, you know,” the girl responds, laughing as she does so. “I can’t just spend all my time talking to you two, even if you are my favourites,” she continues, flashing that same familiar smile she’d shown when they walked in.
“Of course! You have other customers, of course you can’t spend all of your time with us,” the man responds, his arm comfortably hanging on the shoulder of the blonde. His movements and mannerisms are natural; easy and unforced. Natural and loving. “Just most of your time,” he teases, offering a familiar smile of his own.
That was how it had begun. That was always how it had begun. Or was that how it had ended?
Perhaps it would be better if we began before even that.
Chapter 1.
|
Chase the scent of the flower
|
| Just got back in from Toronto. |
[28 Oct 2008|02:15am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 hopeful |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Nelly Furtado - Picture Perfect |
] |
It was a good weekend.
Can't fucking wait to move. IAlways knew I wanted out of this city, and Toronto was always one of those vague places I figured I might end up, but I fucking love it there.
Nice to have something I'm really looking forward to.
Really, really nice.
Apparently I've grown tired of the pronouns that begin my sentences and am no longer typing them.
Actually this is not new, I've been doing that for a while. And I call myself a writer. Ha!
|
Chase the scent of the flower
|
| Late nights and early beginnings. |
[19 Sep 2008|12:05am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 mrow? |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Sondre Lerche - Track You Down |
] |
I have had a cold for what appears to be a month. I am always tired.
As a result, I am growing irritable. I've only begun to notice.
I bought a coffee this morning before I went to work from the Second Cup in the mall. The girl told me my wallet was an epic win. That made me smile. She was chipper, genuinely friendly, and was very apologetic for what was an incredibly short delay due to some sort of problem with the coffee machine. (A delay I hadn't even mentioned or really more than scarcely noticed.)
I don't get good service very often. No one does anymore. So when I do, it makes my day. And I was reminded of why I love my job, because of how much I love to be that person for someone, and simultaneously reminded of how much I haven't been lately.
Yeah, it's leading into Christmas and I have something of an excuse. But I've grown more robotic and even somewhat impatient. And excuse or not, I'm not okay with that.
That's not who I am; that's not why I love doing what I do.
And that extends far beyond my work life, but that's the easy example. Winter is hard for me, but it's no excuse. I've become mechanical and short-tempered -- not all the time, but sometimes -- and I don't mean to be. So I'm sorry if I've done it to you, if I've been less than I should to any of you, and I'm going to do my best not to be anymore.
In other news, the videoblog goes well. The current video is the best received so far and has actually netted me my first subscribers that aren't people I know, so that's exciting. The response is certainly not booming, but it's actually better than I expected.
http://www.youtube.com/user/hylien007
|
Chase the scent of the flower
|
| My hypothesis is confirmed! |
[07 Sep 2008|04:57am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 silly |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Billy Joel - Goodnight Saigon |
] |
Yep, you're all assholes.
I plan to post the first video on wednesday, because the idea of making a complete fool of myself grows more attractive every second.
|
Chase the scent of the flower
|
| I am apparently retarded. |
[06 Sep 2008|02:51am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
retarded |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Hawksley Workman - Smoke Baby |
] |
It's late and I can't sleep. This has degenerated into me watching video blogs on current events and silly news. Mostly Phil Defranco and the phailhaus from loadingreadyrun.com Anyway, THAT has led to me thinking I'd be great at this and should do it.
Again, it is late.
Regardless (not irregardless, mind you -- which is, for the record, not a fucking word). Everyone please tell me how bad an idea this is before I actually do it.
Friends, if your commitment to this is in any way lacking, you will likely see me being terribly unfunny on youtube in a matter of weeks.
Wait. You're all assholes. Volunteering to humiliate myself is probably not going to help my case here...
Oh fuckit. I'll be way too lazy to actually ever upload more than one video anyway.
|
1 ran to Paradise //x\\ Chase the scent of the flower
|
| I wasn't quite sure if winter was coming. |
[03 Sep 2008|11:33pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
scared |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
- The Places You Have Come To Fear The Most - Dashboard Confessional |
] |
It hit me from nowhere as it always does, and everything is back.
My life is fucking fantastic right now, and I have absolutely no reason to be unhappy. And yet here I am on the old livejournal, which ought to tell you the end result of THAT. The old fears are all back as fierce as they always are. Unchanged and unforgiving as ever.
They are familiar, almost old friends. They never change. But I do, and I have. I'm not the scared little kid that got beaten down by these doubts in every year past. Not anymore. I'm certainly not the strong man that will one day overcome them. Not yet. But I'm not that little kid either. And I'm not going to let myself believe that I am nothing; not this year.
I don't know exactly who I am yet or what I'm capable of. But I know it's something, even if I don't know how MUCH of something it might be. I feel like after so many years, parts of me I'd buried under the wreckage of too many bad experiences are finally awakening. I feel spiritually aligned with myself finally, like my soul has reconciled with itself. And I might not know exactly what I can or will be, but I know it's nothing small, and that one day I will look back on these doubts and know that they were pointless, know that I've overcome and eliminated every obstacle and that I have become something much greater than I ever imagined I would.
Now, knowing that in my heart is still not being that, and these doubts are still very real. I have not won, but I have moved forward a step or two, and here at the beginning of the long winter, that is important to note while I still truly know it.
The winter is definitely coming, and while I can't quite shrug that off, I won't let it defeat me either.
And yes, I am aware that my musical choice is probably not the best for my current mood, but I'm okay with that.
|
2 ran to Paradise //x\\ Chase the scent of the flower
|
| Happy birthday to me. |
[04 Aug 2008|01:27pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 content - no, really |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Jurassic 5 - High Fidelity |
] |
Another year without expiring, yeah?
Looks like it.
Passage of time is strange. Reflective.
I feel... good. I said it already, but it's finally not a year where I did nothing. I've changed, you know. Gotten stronger, become a better person. Moved forward in my life.
That being said, there are some side effects. I'm not who I was a year ago. Not even close. I've grown. Maybe not in ways everybody will like.
So be it.
Those of you who don't talk to me pretty much daily are like to note that it's been a fast process. When you do talk to me, you will find I am incongruent at best with what you might think you know of me.
To summarize.
If you find the things I say or the things I do to be inconsistent with the person you think I am, and you find the person I actually am to be unlikeable, well, fuck you.
I'm twenty-two today and for more or less the first time ever in my life I'm prepared to say I like myself, so this is who I am.
Deal.
Also happy birthday to Rowen, who is now 21 and can legally do stuff she couldn't before I guess.
|
1 ran to Paradise //x\\ Chase the scent of the flower
|
| Things and other things. |
[12 Jul 2008|04:17pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
accomplished |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Journey - Don't Stop Believin' |
] |
Holy crap I am almost 22!
I am at the part of the year where I start to get kinda sad about that because I haven't accomplished anything or grown as a person in the last year of my life.
Except this year, I'm not really sad, because I HAVE.
I'm not the person I was a year ago. I'm not in the places I was a year ago. Do I still have a long ways to go? Fuck, of course. But for the first upcoming birthday in a number of years, I don't feel like I wasted the last one. So congrats to me, damnit. I'm doing alright.
Also someone better get me a pony this year.
|
Chase the scent of the flower
|
| Activate! Form of.... Chravis? |
[18 May 2008|11:15pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 noveltastic |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Days Go By - Dirty Vegas |
] |
So. Extended, slightly stripped down but somehow at the same time more intense NaNo schedule.
I am going to fucking FINISH birthday rain, and this is how.
Starting on June 1st, at midnight, and ending on August 31st, at 11:59 PM, I am going to extend it to 150,000 words. That leaves me the rest of May to brainstrom, and then that's 85,000 words away, which in 3 months, is much less crazy than 50,000 in one month, but given that it goes for a whole THREE months I expect it to be crazy go nuts.
I'm ALSO doing this while co-writing a novel with the always zany ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) pmborisstoke, so that's even MORE crazy. But I figure they'll actually play well off each other since they're such different types of stories that one will always offer a nice respite from the other.
Anyway.
I challenge YOU, J. Travis Woodside, to undertake this with me. Pick one of your novels to set out to finish or write a sequel to, set yourself down with a similar goal, whatever you think is realistic for yourself, and go. I'm going to need your support either way, so we may as well do this together so I can offer mine.
Whether we do this or not, actual NaNo this year is Dinner For Three. I think it's an idea I'm finally ready to work out in my head. Props if you remember what idea of mine that is.
|
3 ran to Paradise //x\\ Chase the scent of the flower
|
| Life. |
[14 May 2008|10:37pm] |
| [ |
music |
| |
The Secret of Nimh |
] |
Everyone told me that when I moved out for the first time, I'd be homesick for a while and I'd spend a lot of time visiting home. I knew I wouldn't, but they all said they'd thought they wouldn't too and then they did. And my siblings did. So I guess part of me doubted it.
I haven't missed home since I left, and it takes a conscious effort on my part to remember to check in with my parents more than once a month, because I know they want me to.
I spent the last few days at home, because a friend of Des' was in town and the apartment was super crowded.
I fucking hated it there. The environment is so stifling. It's so much more liberating to be able to wake up and not wonder in my mom's going to be in the main room, forcing an interaction that I don't necessarily want to have. It bugged me when I lived there, and it annoyed me so much the past few days that I've been more stressed now than likely ever before in my life. Not having Des next to me in the mornings was sad and lonely.
I take a lot for granted in my life. I don't want to take my current living situation for granted, because it makes me so happy, and a few days away from it was an unbelievably powerful reminder of that fact.
I just hope I can make everything work the way it is. Life is good, I don't want it to change.
|
4 ran to Paradise //x\\ Chase the scent of the flower
|
| And update. |
[12 Apr 2008|07:44pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 I like the new phone |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Cake - Italian Leather Sofa |
] |
Got a new cellphone, same number. Biggest thing I lost, though, is my address book. I don't actually know ANYONE'S phone numbers, due to having them stored and thus never needing them. Lemme know your phone numbers so I can add you into the new phone, yeah?
Comments on this entry are screened so only I can read them, so don't be afraid to just reply with your phone numbers.
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Chase the scent of the flower
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| I don't really know |
[31 Mar 2008|10:38pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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sometimes my writing is awful |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Rise Against - The Good Left Undone |
] |
"You always say that, and yet here we are. Here we always are, Jenny."
"And that's my fault? I'm not the one who never comes home. I'm not the one who has a new mysterious excuse to slip into the house at three in the goddamned morning every night, Craig."
"It's not every night, Jenny."
"Oh my god, that's the best defense you can come up with?! That it's not every night? How about denying that it happens at all, or attempting to explain why it sometimes does, than clinging to the fact that every so often you do come home to me."
"Jenny, I--"
"Shut up," Jenny interrupts. "Just shut up."
"Look, I know I've been fucking up. Do you still love me, Jen?"
Jenny shakes her head no and plays with the locket around her neck. Same nervous habit she's had since before she can remember; same nervous habit she knows Craig can read.
"What is it?" he finally asks.
The predictable question. She knows the predictable answer, she knows he expects her to say nothing's wrong even though they both know it's a lie, but she's tired of it.
"...you, Craig." Not the answer he was expecting, she knows.
"What-"
"You, god damnit. You're wrong. Everything about you is so fucking wrong, and still I'm the one I can't forgive, because as awful as you might be, how fucked up is it that I've been aware of it for this long and haven't done a thing?"
"Jenny, I-"
"Jesus Christ Craig, stop talking. For once, just stop fucking talking and listen, okay?"
Craig nods his head. Jenny sighs and takes her hand off the locket.
"Look, this was good once. But it's not now, and it hasn't been for some time. John pretty much threw himself at me the other night, and god knows you're never home because you're out doing.. whatever, I really don't care. But I stopped him. Not because I wanted to or because there was any chance of me getting caught, but out of some kind of fucked up loyalty to you. And it's just so fucking unfair for me to be this loyal to someone like you, with what you've been to me, that... look, Craig. I can't do this anymore. I hope you really are finally listening to me, just this once, because it's the last thing I have to say. I know you love me, but you're so fucked up that you don't really know how to love, and I stopped loving you so long ago I barely remember when I did. I'm--
"Hold up."
"What?"
"It doesn't work."
"What doesn't work?"
"Jenny, dude. Jesus Mark, pay attention. Jenny doesn't work."
"Jenny doesn't work?" Josh repeats incredulously.
"Yeah. Jenny doesn't work."
"Why doesn't Jenny work?" Josh asks with an exasperated sigh.
"Name's no good," Mark says simply, taking a bite of the biscuit he's been infuriatingly picking at for the last half hour.
"The name."
"Yeah. The name. You know, that repeating thing you do for effect, it's kind of annoying."
"And the with holding information thing you do, the pretense of an assumption that people know the rest you're not saying, is just as bad. What is wrong with the name?"
"I don't like it," Mark says with a shrug.
"That's all? You just don't like it?" Josh asks.
"All? What do you mean, all? Like it isn't important? She's the lead, man. Story like this, none of it is any good if we don't like her."
"And not liking her name is enough for you not to like her as a person?"
"Pretty much, yeah. She's a made up person, name's really all I get for a first impression."
"Fine, whatever. We'll change it. You know, you --
"You do understand how irrelevant it is to write about someone writing about someone, and do the whole thing poorly, yes?" Sarah asks, looking over my shoulder.
"Yeah, I guess. Hey, do you ever wonder if we're just characters in someone's story? And if they're just characters in someone else's story?"
"Not really. Why?"
"Nothing. Just not sure why a narrator would name the love of my life Sarah. I've always hated the name Sarah.
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2 ran to Paradise //x\\ Chase the scent of the flower
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| Hey |
[25 Mar 2008|10:57pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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? |
] |
| [ |
music |
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The Beatles - Dear Prudence |
] |
Hey. Hey, you. Quit that. No one talks like that ever, and I don't think anybody is buying it.
And now you think that's about you, yes? Every time I post something vague in here, someone yells at me for saying that about them, and half the time, it wasn't even about them. Some of you think this is about you, anyway. And there's the point, or most of it. Only SOME of the people that read this will think it's about them, because only SOME of the people that read this will be able to apply it to their life.
If I type the following:
"You know, they were just trying to help, and the way you acted was completely unfair"
into my livejournal with no context whatsoever, I guarantee you someone will think it's about them. I just made that up, just now, but I bet someone reading could make it about them. So then, does it matter that it's NOT about them?
Does it really matter, if I post something atrociously vague, who I'm thinking of, or does the importance lie with whomever can think of themselves?
Summary. If you can make it about you, that's because it is about you. Even if I wasn't thinking about you or I don't even know about the events that would make it about you, it is, absolutely, about you.
My mother always told me that guilt trips were a myth because no one could feel guilty unless they had something to feel guilty for. She was totally right, as mothers usually are. If YOU think you've been unfair to someone that was trying to help, it doesn't matter if I think so too. You ought to be dealing with the fact that you've acted in a way you're unhappy with, not the fact that I'm MAYBE unhappy with it myself. And if I say something, whether positive or negative, and I don't specify a subject, you would never even CONSIDER that the subject might be you unless you feel like I'd be right to say it about you.
The post preceding this disclaimer was slightly disjointed. I blame the fever, even though I don't have one. My throat totally does hurt though! That's like a fever, only not at all.
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10 ran to Paradise //x\\ Chase the scent of the flower
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